The most classified safety card in aviation history is now available for purchase, which is itself something of a development.

This safety card, designed and illustrated by Chris Bidlack, is printed on 16 pt. premium card stock and arrives protected in an acid-free, archival quality 1.6 mil polypropylene pouch. It measures 6 x 11 inches, and covers all the essential emergency procedures a Janet Airlines passenger would need, including burn bag document disposal, evacuation priority (by security clearance level), overwing exit instructions (with a cautionary note about flap position that recent aviation history suggests is worth including), and fine print that rewards careful reading throughout.

For a limited time, every order includes a FREE Janet Airlines Brochure: An 8-panel roll-fold companion parody, professionally printed, measuring 8½ x 14 inches and folding to a jacket-pocket-friendly 8½ x 3½ inches. The brochure features a flight schedule with fully redacted destinations, a route map with no labeled cities, a full aircraft interior callout diagram, seating assignments organized by professional discipline, a codeshare program of questionable practical utility, and a 737 MAX announcement we are pleased to share at a date we are not prepared to disclose.

Both pieces are written in the dry, straight-faced voice of a small airline marketing department that has been thoroughly vetted and has absolutely nothing to hide.

Both items will arrive carefully packaged and ready to gift, display, or store in a location you are not required to disclose.*

What is Janet Airlines?

Ask your Area 51-obsessed relative, for whom this safety card would make a genuinely excellent birthday gift. If they say they could tell you but then they'd have to kill you, here’s the basic scoop:

"Janet" is the nickname for the fleet of Boeing 737s that quietly shuttle government and defense contractor employees between Las Vegas and the very real, very secret Groom Lake test facility, 83 miles north-northwest of the city, with service to a small number of additional undisclosed locations. The aircraft are an open secret in Las Vegas aviation circles. They operate from their own dedicated terminal at Harry Reid International Airport, to which the public is not admitted, on a schedule that is not published, to destinations that are not discussed. Because these flights use the call sign "Janet," and because the entire operation is equal parts fascinating and absurd, a parody safety card was, frankly, inevitable.

*This is a parody production of JetAgeArt.com. Janet Airlines is an informal nickname for a real but officially unacknowledged government air operation. This safety card and brochure are not affiliated with, endorsed by, or known to the United States Air Force, the Department of Defense, Amentum, AECOM, EG&G, or any agency whose name does not appear on this page, which is most of them.